cRzYantics ü

this was originally written last year, Wednesday, July 23, 2008

When she loves me.
She really loves me. unconditionally
but when she hates me
She hates me unconditionally also - no looking back or signs of remorse -
A love so pure and so fragile
Mildly exhausting but very rewarding
She makes opinions based on instinct
With reckless abandon to any logic
You could find ten reasons to hate her
and a million to love her so much more.

She is my baNGz
My “TL” - true love -
My tWinKeRz
My fiesty Tigress
The love of my life
Mine..
but i dont own her
No one does
yet she chose to be mine

Posted by RaMiNi at 2:21 AM on blogspot

“humans as we are, we all tend to resist change
though change is inevitable, we still fight it”

When Gregorio del Pilar recieved the order from Emilio Aguinaldo to stay and stall the americans in Tirad Pass, the young general already knew what was asked of him. A death sentence. Given 60 men to hold off 500 heavily americans would be a complete suicide. Yet he stayed and fought until the the inevitable happened.

2 days ago, we were given the news that Vonage Outbound, known as the ROCKSTARS, would cease to operate. The announcement was short, simple and straight to the point. with no hint of any sugar-coating. People panicked. People cried. Of course no sweet words could ever make it easier to digest. Everyone hugged everyone. Yet for me things never really sank in till now. 2 days later at 3 in the morning.

It wasnt really a complete surprise. Eight months into my entry in the program, rumours have already circulated of its closure. True that half of the agents were transferred to another program and the once loud and proud rulers of the 5th floor northwing has now been reduced to meager crowd stuck in the corner. After a year, rumours again resurfaced and changes were made. Team Canada got southparked and joined the rest of the US squad. A couple of months later, welcome desk became outbound reactivation team and eventually transferred to sales.
Whats the point of the story? the rumors were always there yet they remained that way. just rumors! Sure a lot of changes have happened but just like the phoenix, Rockstar always found a way to rise from the ashes. Though it struggled and it never managed to recover being no#1, still it survived. apparently not anymore.

If theres one thing Vonage Outbound was good at and known for is that we know how to PARRRTY! big time. Undisputed #1 in Site Events, Rockstar has raised the bar in terms of program presentation and participation. We even brought the entire program to Bantayan, a first in etel Cebu. The GA’s are crazy and really something.

All good things they say must come to an end. 20 agents were lucky enough to be transferred to another program while the remaining 19 will see what awaits their fate. I happen to be in that unlucky 19 who must still make calls for a week more before the program that was Vonage Outbound aka Rockstars officially shuts down.     What does one do when he knows the end is coming?
How do you make of a bleak future?
How do you motivate yourself to do a job that is almost meaningless?

    a) should you jump ship and start a new with the knowledge that the same thing could happen to another company and as a probie, its more likely that your ass would be the first one to get kicked

    b) or do you stay to keep your tenureship but place your hands at the mercy of the profiling gods(read: HR) to find a vacancy somewhere within the company irregardless of the type of program that they throw you into (which is another concern)

hmmnn.. decisions.. decicions..decisions..(either way im screwed!)

 Just like Gen Gregorio del Pilar and his men, our 2 supervisors thats left must lead us to this grueling week ahead. None of us want this. Am i pissed? hell yes! it honestly sucks but we still have to do what were paid for. its inevitable. truly a very slow painful death. ROCKSTARS now signing off..

“The General has given me the pick of all the men that can be spared and ordered me to defend the Pass. I realize what a terrible task has been given me. And yet I feel that this is the most glorious moment of my life. What I do is done for my beloved country. No sacrifice can be too great”
             - from the diary of Gen Gregorio del Pilar.

this is from my other blog much like this one, which i have failed to update again..

2008. this year i take blogging seriously. much to the delight of my girlfriend kyjean. She has been convincing me to take up this passion of hers. So i only find it appropriate to start my blog with an entry about her. on how much i adore her of course. this is in random order for i love every part of her equally.

She’s a hug addict. Somehow she craves about hugging me everytime. that is why we have invented different kinds of hugs to cloak our PDA’s from our imaginary paparazzi. from semi-hugs to quarter-hugs to accidental hugs. i cant seem to get enough of her hugs though. and thank goodness nothing could seem to replenish her need to hug me. And i totally feel the same way

The way her eyes closes when we kiss. Its like watching those old movies. When the guy gives that true love kiss to her girl. you know its real. you know its something special. I never thought i that i wanted something like that. and here she’s giving it to me.

Her passion for writing. Mostly she’s been seriously writing blogs right now but i wouldnt be surprised if one day she’d try her luck at writing a book. She has greatly improved with her style and i’m so proud everytime i read her latest entries.

Her love affair with books. If theres one thing i should be jealous about. that one thing that she probably love more than me. its her books. and no! its not one of those cheezy sweet valley high’s or judy mcnaught’s. those seems amateurish compared to what she reads. her vast collection of amazing books, that could belong to the top 100 books of all time, include lovely bones, stardust, jonathan strange etc. and lately she’s been mesmerized by no less than the rockstar of literature himself, neil gaiman.

The never ending apetite. I love food. If its edible, i’ll eat it. but kyjean loves them more. We could eat at a high class restaurant or in UP’s carenderia or even on the next kanto’s pungko², we would still be able to enjoy the food w/o any qualms at all. and after a huge meal, just when both of us are complaining of gastric fulfillment she begins to crave for a sweet dessert as soon as we get pass that sari-sari store. Looks like i’ve met my match.

Being the defiant kikay. Everyone who knows baNGz would tell you that she’s a certified RAWKISTA. The type who’s always present at gigs and chases bands. she could even qualify as a groupie. but what people dont know is that she’s also a kikay. She has a complete collection of Cosmopolitan magazine and never misses an issue. Though she doesnt wear any make-ups (honestly there is no need for one) but she can definitely tell you a lot about fashion.

The camwhoring moments. I would like to think that i awaken the camwhore in her. This is not your typical point-the-cam-to-your-face-inside-the-bathroom-and-start-clicking-rapidly type camwhore. There has to be a concept. and theres nothing more i love to do than taking her pictures. If the subject is as pretty as that, I woudn’t mind being her personal photographer at all. Call it labor of love.

Her silky soft skin. At the end of the day. I would still be a guy. The type to brag about her girl to his friends. Though i’m really not that type but the fact that 3 taxi drivers have insisted that kyjean is a movie star and have offered the fare to be on the house plus a balikbayan asking her also if she’s a local celeb here. One cannot help but put a smile into his face. Yeap that’s my girl.

Those kissable red lips. I have to be honest with you. I first noticed her because of those rosy red lips. Everyone does. I was on my way out of the elevator at work when i suddenly saw those stunningly beautiful red lips and the georgeous woman that owned them. From then on i cant help but look at her everyday.

The baNGz. I had been contemplating on how to approach and introduce myself to her. I was waiting for that perfect moment when suddenly inside the elevator, i noticed her new hairstyle and without thinking blurted a compliment about her bangs. That was the opportunity i needed. Since then i’ve been calling her baNGz.

That fierce competitive nature. Its safe to say that i will never be bored about baNGz. While we agree about a lot of things, we still argue about stuffs specially when our competitive nature kicks in. Although we haven’t settled yet who has the higher IQ, and we do still fight about it, theres no doubt that our love for each other is definitely the highest.

Being a NURSE. I’ve said this before and i’ll say it again. I even have a blog about it in my friendster account. I’ve always known that i’d end up w/ a nurse. call it wishful thinking but i’ve always told my peers throughout college and they could attest to it that i would want to love and be loved by a nurse. Having Kyjean in my life simply means that destiny happens and sometimes even if you dont know it, just when your not expecting it, you do get what you want. Amen to HIM!

i’m tensed. pissed & frustrated right now. anxiety is definitely killing me.

This is what happens to an OC if he cant have it his way.

How do you sell a great up and coming indie rock band to a stubborn mainstream hiphop loving crowd who havent heard of the band? you dont. you just push hard and force yourself until someone gives in. Coz they’ll never care until they hear them play. which (crossing your fingers) hopefully will break their limited taste of music.

Let me give you a background to help you understand.

We are planning this 2nd Anniversary party for ROCKSTAR, the program that i worked for. Originally the plan was to have the celebration at a disco pub (Loft) much to the delight of the hiphop majority. one evening, while driving around aimlessly at the city looking for a good place to eat and hangout (cant believe we couldnt find a place at all that night) we decided to dine at OUTPOST.. during the course of the meal (and drinks) i recalled a few weeks ago when urbandub was actually playing at this spot. so it occurred to me, why not have a mini concert for the anniversary. we are called ROCKSTARS! so shouldnt we party like one? and i just have the perfect band in mind: HASTANG

I suggested this to my co-worker friends and we basically inquired if it was feasible. to cut the story short we succeeded in changing the venue. so the problem now is how to get the band. as far as i know HASTANG hasn’t been together for some months so this is really more of wishful thinking. i openned the idea to baNGz, my girlfriend, and she totally loved it. to be honest she’s really the HASTANG freak here, i was just a convert. she started bugging makoy , the band’s drummer about them possibly playing and whoala! what do you know, tessa their vocalist from manila has arrived in cebu. The band’s complete. Talk about perfect timing!

So i said this is gonna be easy then. it seems all the stars have lined up for the rebirth of HASTANG. then it all came crushing down. Turns out the members of the organizing team have contacted 2 bands already. though they havent confirmed yet; Powerspoonz and Island Joe would be the line-up. No big deal, i thought i could still squeeze in HASTANG, a three band line-up is still doable..

Now the problem is the budget. most of the money will be allocated for food and drinks (read as BEER) so we cant really afford a big budget band and the notion running around the industry is that HASTANG is a bit expensive. Totally rubbish! for a band that won an MTV band showdown, they certainly come at a very if not more than reasonable tag.

Just when it seems that everything has been sorted out. Some of the organizers are still hesitant to put them on the lineup. For Pete’s sake, i’ve heard too many a ridiculous reason which to summarize simply "gibirish". From limited playing time, band TF, to food and drink budget. they kept throwing it at me over and over again. what tha f@#!??

I tried to understand where they’re coming from. I totally dig the name recalling (or more appropriately the Rosy retrospection) part. I mean i havent heard of HASTANG till recently. but once you’ve heard them play you simply cant help but be addicted to their music. I also know those two bands were a bit famous… in COLLEGE!..  but this is the big league.. Were talking about a band whose gonna be launching a new album this few weeks (fingers crossed) and already released a cool music video for OBLIVION.

I really dont get the people at the office. Anyway baNGz and I decided to go for broke. Nothings gonna stop us from hearing the band live. We settled into their terms. Hastang’s gonna play first before 10pm and we agreed to shoulder the food and drinks for the band. Told you, nothings gonna stop us. We’re a groupie now!

I was really embarassed to mark and the band. They dont deserve to be treated like this. It took me a while to reply to his inquiry about the details of the gig. I cant give him a definite answer until I have finalized everything. Only one things certain at the moment. They’re gonna be playing by hook or by crook

I just cant wait till everyone hears HASTANG play. eat your heart’s out losers. this is for having infinitesimal taste in music.

its midweek of octobeer and i havent had a single dose of alcohol. i badly need a drink. i never felt such an urge to splurge into alcohol so i could release all these tensions i’ve had these past few days.

Lately i’ve been having this slump at work. i cant seem to be effective and i’ve almost tried everything but nothing seems to work. Even other supervisors have noticed it and its also taking its toll on my girlfriend. somehow she feels this responsibility to make me better. All the fengsui i’ve had before seems irrelevant now. i just simply suck. ineffective. and if this keeps going i might just lose my work.

I’ve asked help from my supervisor and so far nothing’s been done. I’m still on my own. It’s just been officially announced that there are changes at work. Now i’ve been assigned to a new supervisor who is notorious for forcing people to go on long overtime. I was taken back a bit about this move but realized this could be good for me since it could mean a fresh start on a new environment.

Talking about slumps, i’ve been having issues with my girlfriend lately most of which are soo trivial that i can barely remember them already. But its the results though that always haunts me. She has been making a hobby of walking out on me. Some of which are justifiable coz i can really be a big jerk sometimes but its those times that she does it coz she just feels like doing it. IMPULSE as what she says. And it hurts because to her it might seem funny but its actually killing me. killing those sparks of fire inside me. Though i’ve told her that the next time she walks out on me i might not be there to chase her anymore.

As of now i cant help but to follow her.  be the one to patch things up irregardless of who’s fault is it. this is really a far cry from the usual me who has a pride the size of an ostritch’s egg. i wonder how can we go on doing this coz its been wearing me down. And to think we’ve considered going into the next level of our relationship.

I’ve been told that i am really good but i’m just over self-confident. this is admittedly true. but what they dont know is that "i dont really have  a single clue. i just pretend to know it". perception a big part of the game could life. just as my favorite saying goes

" if you think you can.. YOU CAN !!!.. if you think you can’t.. YOUR RIGHT !!!"

now i say its partially true because i’m the type of person who is obsessed in knowing the right information. If you ask me something that i dont know i will tell you directly that  i dont know the answer but i’ll work my ass in knowing that answer so the next time you ask i would know what to tell you.

I leave you now with this amazing words from kobe bryant:

"Just believe in yourself.. coz if you dont, no one else will"

now wheres my beer?????

Brain Dead.

I think i have an idea on the makings of a psycho killer. and i’m becoming one. First of all i have the perfect job for it. In a stressfull call center environment where the pace is fast, the competion is stiff and the human interaction is remote. but this is just one factor.

the most important perhaps is circumstance. for it take a series of really unfortunate events to make a man lose all logic and sanity and push him to the brink of total self denial. He denies what he knows is right and what he had learned all his life and just snap in that particular moment. So lets look back on the events that could push me at the tip of my sanity and weigh in if i can qualify as a psycho.

Aug 1. 12:20 Manila Time.
On my way to work, the cab i was in got hit by a multicab. Due to the impact i suffered head concussions. My mistake was i didnt wait for the police before i went to the hospital.
1st frustration:
Company Health Insurance wont pay my hospitalization unless i present a police report.
2nd frustration:
Taxi Driver did not state in the official police blotter that he had a passenger during the accident.

Result:
I had to shoulder the whole bill. Process all the needed documents. I havent even finished filing for the refund of the expenses that incurred. It will take some time before Phil Health and Maxicare pay up.

Aug 18. 12:50 noon. Manila Time
I went to E-MALL to openline the fone i bought from an officemate. I figured instead of risking ourselves going to COLON i might as well go to E-Mall plus i have heard of this particular shop on an online community. when i got there i decided to canvass the whole area for the cheapest service. i went with this shop who had a decent looking technician. agreed to pay P500 for the service which would only take 20 min. i left for awhile and decided to roam the mall. BIG MISTAKE!

3rd Frustration:
Tech told me that my perfectly fine fone suddenly had some software problem. Told me no problem coz he could fix it for only 3K. so now instead of P500 i now would owe him P3000. i told him this is impossible coz i personally know the previous owner and she would nt openline the phone coz i would not make sense since her husband has a position in SMART.

Result:
Now the phone not only would not work with other networks it also would not accept SMART. making it completely useless. Worse the technician had the nerve to tell me i am just wasting his time when i try to get a valid explanation.

Aug 22. 2am. Manila Time
I played DJ at work again. connecting the speakers to the PC and playing songs straight from the vast selection of youtube. The trouble was the security cam had instructed IT to barged in on the station i used.

4th Frustration:
i got an infraction for using my supe’s station.it was supposedly so simple. The attending supe asked me to trasfer the speakers to the other supe station coz it caused his pc to hang. We were playing music to hype up the program. Now it has become a security concern. We were asked why i had access to my supes password. I really thought this was nothing coz i kinda share my password to everyone so that they can use my profile in case theirs got locked out. some nagging IT concerns. but now ..this is really serious.

Result:
The site director have made an inquiry regarding the situation. worst come to worst someone could get fired. Unfortunately the bullet is heading my way.

5th Frustration:
The taxi company would not pay any damages or take responsibility. turned out that the owner is this lawyer who have friends at the LTO and government office.

6th Frustration:
i had to return this PS2 i bought from a co-worker since i wouldnt be able to use it. though the owner have agreed verbally the anticipation for some drama and the fact that i really wanted a PS2 badly is kinda frustrating.

7th Frustration:
My girlfriend is facing this huge problem on the status of her mother’s health. What **** is that i cant do anything about it.

With all these events happening days apart one cant help but wonder why i was still able to hold it together. but i gotta admit, i feel like i could snap if provoked any moment now. sometimes it irritates me to hear people around me nag, whine and complain about silly things like petty fights or them not having the most convenient station in the office. if they only knew people are dying on stupid wars in some part of the countries or them exposed in chinese products.

Good thing i’m playing baskeball again. atleast i have an avenue in releasing some of these stress/frustrations and a pretty loving and funny girlfriend who depites all of her rantings on what shes going through still manages to make me laugh.

Dont worry i still got everything covered and still got thing in control. I’ve gone thru situations like these before and i somehow always manage to get through them. Though my methods can be seen as unconventional but they definitely work.

8 days to go before the month ends. A lot could still happen. Most of this things are still unresolved. hopefully i could wrap up everything or i could just let them remain unresolved. i’m crossing my fingers now.

Psychos are actually ordinary people just like you and me who are put to great amount of stress. Too much that they couldnt handle it anymore. going through these incidents myself, i now have a better understanding on what could have triggered these people. Hopefully we dont add up to their statistics.

I know I shouldnt be jealous.. theres no reason why i should be. Mind you im really not.

but it kinda sucks when you know that people are sending sweet nothings to your girlfriend. no matter how you try to ignore it at some point it just gets into your nerves. I wana say something to My girlfriend but he’s already there and had something to say and its starting to annoy me.

i feel like beating up somebody but then again i’m a lover not a fighter.

Yeah i know its not her fault if shes just likable and men tend to flock around her.

C’mon what part of "in a relationship" or "domestic partnership" dont they understand???

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I’m Mr. Brightside
- "Mr Brightside" by The Killers

its been a while since i wrote something. Those of you whose been keep tracking of my blog surely have noticed something different in my recent post.

Yes i’m no longer drunk when i wrote these entries. Theres no point in getting drunk. Lately i havent been drinking that much or that often. I dont know which blogs are much better to read but i do know that i’m much more happier now.in general that is. life has a funny way or turning things around.

Last night i was really pissed at everyone in the house..or to make it more accurate, to everyone not in the house. When i arrived last night at home nobody was there. yes they did txt me hours earlier that they’d be heading to my grandma’s house coz its one my cousin’s kid’s bday but i thought they atleast leave the key for me. but no they didnt. i was sweaty, smelly, sticky, tired, sleepy, my head ached and i was in a rush to catch the last mass. i called them up to inform that i was at the house already. txted them a couple of times to tell them that i wanted the key now, someone bring it to me coz im in a hurry to catch mass. still nobody came. i lay outside for two hours with all the mosquitos feasting on me. then they came home as if nothing happened. i entered the house went to my room change clothes and slept w/o saying a word.

What really pissed me off was that night was the thought that i was unable to hear mass. i badly need to pray. it’s kyjean’s retake for the board exam today and i badly need to pray. though this exam is just for formality. a forced retake that is. holding no weight really. but it matters to my girlfriend. and i sooo love her.. soo much that is. and i really felt guilty not being able to attend the mass last night.

I woke up this morning w/ a larger sense of guilt. I just realized the bad exchange of words/txt i had w/ my mom. she did replied w/ harsh words also. Didnt they realize that i was just pissed then? but its too late now. pride is on the way and were not in speaking terms. i am still a bit mad though.

Also I grabbed my fone to find out my girlfriend txted and called me last night. hours before her exam. and i was there sleeping. unable to reply or call back. I could have talked to her. i wanted to talk to her. give her something that would give a positive note going to the exam.

Damn! im so missing her right now. Im so worried how shes doing in the exam. doesnt really matter to me if she passes or not but i just know how it matters to her and to her parents.

As you’ve already guessed i love her so much. and its true! and i hope that she knows that. Sometimes I’m so scared that i would messed this up that i dont want to think about it at all. I’m not making plans in the future. only wishful thinking. i’ve learned in the past relationships that for this to work out i gotta take it one day at a time.

And i’m hoping she realizes that all i want is her. no one else.

ps: if you happen to read this blog and you believe me so please tell her

shhh..

she doesnt know that i’ve been dreaming of her even before we met..

to fall in love with a nurse..

all my friends and those who knew me in college could attest to that..

and nobody knew it would actually come true..

funny how life leads you..

so shhh… she doesnt know… yet i love her so

kaya atin-atin lang to`

Yup my bday has passed and i’m officially 24. Cant believe i’m that old already. right now my head still hurts from all of that beer we drank last night. it wasnt really that many.. i mean i’ve had more in the past. as i recall i usually pass out on my previous bday. this year’s different though. everything was controlled. i didnt have the usual feast at my house - something that happens every year in the past w/o even planning it. i just took some of my friends out for dinner and dessert then went back to my place.

surprised as i was.. i realized that theres not a single stock of alcohol in my fridge except the wine i bought a month ago. so i opened it up and we shared it. There was no way im not gonna be drunk tonight coz i’ve already prepared to get wasted. even took a leave from work. good thing an old friend texted (not to me coz i still dont have a fone) and said that he’s out drinking and if we joined him, drink is gonna be on him (he totally forgot that its my bday). Gladly we drove through the pouring rain. i had to bring a jacket or else i’d be soaking wet riding in that bike. so in short i did get wasted a bit and everything seemed to be according to plan.

well not everything.

Was it just me or things were just a bit different. i know i’m such a sucker for nostalgia but it wasnt what i expected it to be. not necessarily bad. its just different. gone were the boisterous laughter, the familiar faces, the out-of-tune songs, the pig-out sessions, and the drink till you get wasted/puke/pass-out moves. Maybe its supposed to be this way. i am older. i mean really old. im 24.

but i dont think its supposed to be boring as you get older. not boring "boring" but boring compared to what i was doing the past years.

Maybe this is just a stage where we all had to pass thru. Getting rid of those carefree childish habbits and substitute it with a more controlled lifestyle. Because when your old you know what you want and how to get it therefore you avoid doing those little foolish unnecessary spur of the moment acts which we thought or conceived as fun. darn.. getting old is boring!

Well anyways, i didnt really received anything today. no cakes, gifts or any of that sort. It was even depressing when i arrived home coz i realized that by telling my parents not to prepare anything, they didnt really prepare anything. not even the casual lechon manok or liempo. we only had like pancit canton, noodles and some food that my dad was able to come up with. Whats embarrassing is that my aunt,nephew and nieces came by. so we didnt actually have anything to offer except the leftover cake i bought for mother’s day. good there was this mango float i made for my bday (which i was supposed to give to my teammates).

Going back to the gifts, I did have a short list of what i wanted..

*TIMEX expedition watch

*Oakley Romeo shades

*Sony Ericsson K800i

*Starbucks Mug

*Random Useless Stupid/Funny Gift

*Oo!

*B-Ball

to be honest i was expecting to receive something. Something i’ve been dying to have for quite some time now. turns out assumption is always what it is.. an assumption, its all in the mind and its the mother of all f@#k ups..hehehe… well maybe some other time then. i can still wait. in short i didnt get any.. not even a Basketball ball.

But wait.. i did get something.. something that was never expected yet i wouldnt trade it for the world.  a simple card that almost didnt make any sense at all to an average person. though it didnt have anything concrete written on it, every word written had been a testimony of what i’ve been doing for the past months. Though you cant find any answers in it, its definitely something that makes me want to go on in this journey i chose and what happened that afternoon with that "Perfect Stranger" makes everything all the while worthied.

PS:

thanks for the people who sent me msgs here friendster plus the comments.. i really appreaciate it!
and to all those people who greeted me in person though they didnt really remember it was my bday but they just saw it here in friendster… i thank you still..hehehe.. love you guyz..